Suck up the Sales
  |  First Published: February 2012

I made an observation a couple of months ago about how women buy any and all of their fifty ‘friends’ jewellery for their birthday and those fifty ‘friends’ buy jewellery in return, therefore leaving our significant (or insignificant) other with a jewellery box the size of an Engel fridge.

My opinion was, and still is, that men should get into it too and buy fishing gear for any distant acquaintance they can think of that doesn’t punch them when they come within 100m. Or maybe 200m, depending on whether you’re a Manly fan or not. And for those women who contacted me, that article was a valid social observation not a massive sook!

Anyway, after enduring another Christmas and once again not getting a boat, I’m a little bit cranky about this whole Boxing Day Sale thing. Most of the females I know spent Christmas Day getting their gear together to launch a surprise raid on unwary clothes, shoe and furniture shops. And they’ve got their shields up faster than the USS Enterprise (Season 1 episode 4, Balance of Terror) when you happen to make some passing, subtle, slight remark about the credit card balance.

“Oh,” they say, batting their eyes, “I hardly spent anything. In fact, I saved us $X”. The problem as most seasoned men know, is that X is not what they saved, but what the clothes/shoe/furniture shop told them they had saved.

I’m not fond of X. I’ve spent valuable hours working out its value instead of pondering on much more important matters, like did I catch that first jack at Ted’s Creek at 2/3 or 3/4 of the run-out tide, or whether I’d tied an Improved Albright or a Slim Beauty when that barra that Jase Wilhelm put me on to smashed my line to bits. I don’t like to be deflected from valuable issues like that, especially before the annual Dudds trip, when I’ll forget it all anyway and lose more fish.

There’s actually a direct correlation between the value of X and how much money you’ll have left to live on. The more they ‘save’ at the Boxing Day sales, the more they’ve ‘spent’. It’s an obvious ploy they’re using, but we’ve become so conditioned to this little white lie we get told every year, that we ignore it. It’s a cunning plan alright!

And all that barging and running and pushing and shoving to get through the doors first that you see on television is just a massive scam that women have dreamt up amongst themselves to convince us gullible fools that there’s something worth buying at these rip off sales. Next time they play it, take a close look at the footage. There’s always that large woman with what looks like a colander on her head pushing over the little woman with the gas lantern. Once I steeled my resolve and watched the footage, not turned away in disgust like every other man I’ve ever seen faced with this ghastly site, I realised it must have been filmed in about 1850 and used all over the world ever since. Conspiracy!

Well no more! I’m calling for the men of this country to stand up and protest against the money being chucked down the gurgler at some sneaky Boxing Day sale. I mean, really, how thick do they think we are? Fishermen of the world unite! Down with your credit card debts. We have nothing to lose but our …well, you know, those bits that hurt a lot when you’re kicked there.

However, let’s not throw off our chains just yet. Give me a little time. I’m too busy. Apparently that new tackle shop near Doughers is having a February sale, and there’s going to be a bit of competition to get in and get the bargains. Don’t want to miss out on all those massive savings they’re offering. That would be a tragedy…

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