The ultimate boat test of ultimate destiny
  |  First Published: February 2017

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. It’s a mystery to me why the Dudds haven’t been signed up by a boat builder. If there is one group on the planet that would advertise how tough and durable your product is, it would be the Dudds.

Think about this, Quintrex, or Polycraft, or TABS or Seajay. A trial of your hull for twelve months and at the end of that time, you get the naming rights for the hull model. I can see the ad now: Polycraft Ocean Dudd, Proven on the Water. I can see people lining up to get this boat. There are buyers out there who are genuinely hard on their gear, who actually fish like we do – flat out or go home.

And what’s the use of having a sleek craft that looks the goods if it doesn’t stack up to a stack up? That’s like this latest demand to have a wrap on your boat with a picture of a barra with its mouth gaping open and an angry look in its eye. What sort of annoys me is the angry look in the eye, because fish don’t really get angry. They just do what they’re designed to do, which is eat things. This happens to coincide with our idea of anger, but that’s another column right there, so I’ll block up right at that point.

Back to the wraps: personally I can’t think of anything I’d be less likely to order on a new boat if I ever managed to snare one. That wrap becomes a catalogue of all the ridiculously inept decisions I’ve made while behind the wheel of the boat. Why on earth would I leave that out there for people to laugh at? I may as well get a waterproof iPad, stick it on the transom at the ramp, and replay stupid accidents I’ve had to keep people entertained.

But anyway, boat makers, I’ve seen the ads around the place with wannabe Dudds on these ads for beer, or tackle shops or whatever, and these guys are all absolute amateurs. I don’t understand why these companies pay presumably big coin to imposters. Why would you hire the Monkees, if you could pay the same price and get the Beetles? If you want to have people’s respect, why wouldn’t you employ the best and most destructive?

These pretend losers haven’t got the same appeal to the masses of boat buyers that we have. The same authenticity, the same cachet. It’s the Dudds that have got the runs on the board when it comes to carnage. It’s like buying a watch advertised by Adam Sandler when you should be getting George Clooney. Not that I’m comparing the Dudds to George Clooney. Can you imagine him charging into a rock bar on Baffle Creek? Wouldn’t happen. That’s where the Dudds have the market absolutely cornered. Can you imagine one of the Dudds charging into a rock bar on Baffle Creek? Of course you can. But what boat are we in, and how well does it survive?

Over to you, Polycraft. Or Quintrex. Or TABS. Whoever.

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