Pay peanuts, you get monkeys
  |  First Published: December 2015

There’s an old saying that if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys, and that’s true. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean that if you don’t pay peanuts you’re not going to get monkeys.

Sometimes you pay through the nose (in my case that’s a lot of nose and a lot of money) but would gladly settle for a monkey, or any ape like relative. Or even an NRL player. On the other hand, it doesn’t always follow that if you do something on the cheap you’ll be getting something that’s going to last as long as an Australian Prime Minister. Or even longer – maybe two weeks!

So basically, what I’ve managed to say is that that old saying is crap. Let’s start again.

It has been mentioned around the blithering gathering that is the Dudds that I might tend to do things a little on the less expensive side. The words ‘cheap b******’ may have been mentioned on the odd occasion, and sometimes on the even one as well. To be fair, it’s only mentioned occasionally, mostly because their time is taken up bitching about some other irritating habit of mine they want to bring out into an open forum, as long as that open forum doesn’t include my presence.

To be even fairer, the other Dudds and I don’t spend a great deal of time together because they’re too blowy to get into my boat for any longer than it takes to put it off the ramp and onto the water. As long as the ramp is concrete and no longer than 5m, the slope is shallow and the water is no more than about 5mm deep. And I’m not in the car or the boat and the motor is not running. In fact, as long as I’m not within sight or hearing of this situation! This of course reduces but does not totally eradicate personal risk.

So maybe they’re right, and I do things cheaply. Boobies was scoffing at my live bait tank the other day. He was in his fancy-dancy Trophy with everything in place and working, and Skipper was nearby with his barge-arsed monstrosity and also his boat that also has everything laid on, so it’s unfair of them to make fun of me just because my thirty year old hull needs bits and pieces added on.

Combine that with my limited budget allocation from the Minister for Finance, Corrective Services, Major Events and Terrorism and you’ve got a situation where I have to make do with what is available. So a rubbish bin out the back tied on with bailing twine is all I get for a live tank. So what if the lid falls off occasionall? So what if the water scoop and pump unhook from the battery every so often? So what if the rock that keeps the tank from falling off the transom makes the boat list a little to port? You get these slight imperfections in any boat. It doesn’t mean I’m any less successful at fishing. Let me rephrase that. It doesn’t mean I’m any less successful than the other Dudds at fishing.

The only problem I have with being a little on the frugal side is that I’m getting this feeling that I take my boat out these days not to catch fish but to find out what parts work badly, work partly or don’t work at all. It’s a bit like going to the gym really. Or going to bed. Just ask the Minister for Finance, Corrective Services, Major Events and Terrorism.

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