Dear Santa
  |  First Published: December 2013

Dear Santa

I know it seems like hardly any time since I wrote my last threat, I mean letter to you. I bet you’ve been looking forward to getting another heap of really polite demands, I mean requests from me.

I’d like to say thanks for the fishing gear you got for me last year. I’d like to, but I can’t, since you didn’t get me any. The book on macramé was great, especially since I was able to regift it to Stuffer pretty quickly, as his birthday is in January, but maybe you should read this letter a little more carefully than you did last time.

I did stay up all night waiting to see you. I do have a telescope that I would normally use to make sure I can see you coming, but the bloke from across the hill with the four blond daughters at Uni came over and broke it for some reason.

Mum was really upset.

So was he.

I could even hear him from where I was looking for something in that cardboard box under the tank stand. Took me about an hour to look through it, but once that bloke had gone I realised I couldn’t find it.

Anyway, that’s why I was looking at you through a rifle scope. Not for any other reason. This year I have another telescope so I will be able to look at you through that. I won’t be able to see you when you go to old mate across the hill as he has a big white fence around his house now that I can’t see through. I mean, that I probably wouldn’t be able to see through if you went there. I wouldn’t know whether I could see through it or not of course. I haven’t even TRIED to look through it. Although I did see old mate giving me rude signs one day from on top of the fence, which I though was really immature…

And please don’t worry about the shot I fired at you last year as you were flying away. That was an honest mistake. It wasn’t because I checked the stuff under the tree and only found a book.

So, some fishing gear would be really good. I accidentally lost my best rod when Skipper caught that barra and I didn’t catch anything. If he says I threw it overboard it’s a complete lie, and it wasn’t a tanty! I don’t even care if he catches more than me.

What really happened was I tripped on my purple crocs and the rod and reel just went in the water. It can happen easy. I know because it happened again when Boobes caught that thready. So I’m a bit short of rods and reels.

I’m sure Pommers and Doughers and Stuffer have written asking you for things, but it’s important you get this message. IGNORE WHAT THEY WROTE. They asked me to let you know that they would like their stuff to be given to me. Don’t forget that Santa. I’d hate to have to accidentally fire the rifle again. It’s pretty accurate. Just ask old mate from across the hill. He’s missing his middle finger apparently.

OK, hope you enjoy my letter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Regards to those little dudes.

Regards Sheik

PS. Have a good trip, and I hope the penalty rates for public holidays are better this year for you and Mrs Claus. And tell her to cut back on the Chrissy cake, she’s starting to pack it on big time. She’s nearly as fat as you are barge-arse.

PPS. Don’t forget all my presents that I want.

Reads: 2003

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