Dear Santa

It’s now that time of the year when I need to review how Christmas went again for this year regarding pressies that arrived on my doorstep. They were on the doorstep because we only have a really small chimney out of the dunny in our house and I know you wouldn’t fit down that you big fat bast…. you chubby little prankster. Actually, given the poor results I’ve been getting in the past year or two, I had left something for you in the toilet this year just in case you did come down that chimney, and it wasn’t milk and Monte Carlos!

Anyway, it’s that time again when I have to appeal to your generous nature to land me some good scores this coming Christmas. I thought I’d get in early so you could get yourself organised. That pink $20 kid’s rod you got for me a few weeks ago wasn’t appreciated, and while positioning it underneath the dunny chimney next Christmas in case you come down backwards did occur to me. I will resist the temptation. You can descend with confidence.

So, let’s move on to boats. I’ve been at you for some years about this but it doesn’t seem to make much difference to you. A teensy weensy 5m with a four-stroke would have been great this year, but you’re obviously saving it for next year. I know this high cost pressie might lead to you being unable to provide toys to other children around the world in the coming December but that’s not my problem is it? They’ll get other toys sometime.

Just a few notes on the elves, or whoever makes your toys; I think you better have a word to them about quality assurance. Some of the stuff you gave me a few weeks ago has been really easy to break, so I imagine you might have been a bit lax on the supervision over the last few years. I know from what’s going on here, those little buggers have probably got some slush fund set up and are getting into the Christmas brandy while you and Mrs Clause are ‘wrapping presents’ in another room. Just something to watch out for. Don’t say I don’t help.

Finally, please disregard that twitter just after Chrissie about you being a selfish fat bast**d, as one of the kids must have broken into my computer and posted it. I don’t think you’re selfish and I hope you see your way clear to a better class of 5m present for me at the end of this year.

Best of luck over the coming months to you and your good wife. Also, good luck with the elves. I’d hate to see them form into some militant union with strikes because of unfair working conditions or unpaid overtime or whatever. But I’m sure they won’t go down that road as that would need some sort of letter from an anonymous source telling them how tough they’ve got it and how being in a union would provide many benefits, higher wages and prevent them from being exploited. Oh, gosh Santa, just like this little letter I have here waiting in my computer. Talk about coincidence! 5m. With a four-stroke.

Regards Sheik