The time has come to let people know about some rubbish some tourism people have been spouting.

They’re talking up what a great tourism and fishing destination we have in the Great Sandy Strait between Fraser Island and the mainland. Now this annoys me as I’ve been working for years on letting the world know, in my own little way, what a horrible waste of time the whole area is. Furthermore, I’ve been attempting to let people know that they should not waste their time on this barren little piece of real estate, and the further they stay away from it the better off they’ll be.

And here they are, the tourism bods, spruiking about it. Thanks a lot. That makes about as much sense as a voltage warning notice on a Texan electric chair.

Therefore, in case anyone reads this puddle of drivel, apart from Stuffer, Boobies, Skipper and Pommers (it’s too complicated for Doughers – he prefers books with lots of pictures) here are some facts about the Great Sandy Strait.

It’s shallow. If you have a boat longer than a dead dingo’s donger (I never knew dingos had dongers… I thought only mining companies had them), you will struggle to make your way from Urangan to Tin Can unless it’s a king tide. And if you take your tinny above 6 knots, be prepared to wear the consequences. Take this from someone who knows!

There are no fish here. Don’t take any notice of the mountain of words in various tourist publications telling you how many fish, crabs and prawns there are in this area. As of last Thursday there were 6 prawns, 4 sandies and a muddy (undersized jenny). There were also at this stage, 4,000,607 grinners. Take this from someone who knows!

Sandflies outnumber grinners a billion to one. In fact, there are nearly as many sandflies as Victorians. These small pesky creatures are particularly nasty around dusk, as well as sandflies.

The whole of Fraser Island doesn’t look like Lake MacKenzie. Swedish backpackers are much less common than stingrays. And any backpackers taking off their shirts to sunbake don’t like to be splashed to make them turn over. They are also likely to be male. Take this from someone who knows!

Things that tourist brochures call sandbanks, I call mudbanks. Boats sound the same hitting both. Take this from someone who knows!

Be careful following the channel from Tuan, Boonooroo, Poona or Maaroom out to the main channel. It’s actually easier to drive Bathurst backwards in a shopping trolley with no brakes at night with no lights.

I hope this gives you some idea of the sort of risks that you take by going out into the Strait.

It’s not a playground at all. It’s a minefield. Stay away. If people are wondering why I’m saying this without any sort of reward, all I can say is that’s the sort of generous, public-minded person I am. I’d hate people to be going to this area expecting to see anything worthwhile.

All I can say is stay away; it’s highly over-rated. And if you see me heading in there as often as once every couple of weeks, don’t be confused. All I’m doing is making sure my information is up to date. Really. I promise.